Utah or France?

Well, I went about it all wrong. I was anxious, angry, reluctant to have faith that everything would work out, and trying desperately, desperately, desperately, to talk myself out of accepting the truth.  So what was this reality? Did my best friend just move to Spain? (oh, wait. That already happened). Did my favorite pet of ten years suddenly die? Was I being forced against my will to take my vitamins? (Actually, I love my vitamins.) No, it was none of these. I was confirming my college acceptance. To Utah. A place very, very different from France. So, ya.

Isn't this moment supposed to be super exciting where I just want to shout it from the rooftops? I never thought, for even a split second, that I would grow to loathe the college process. Ever. I have dreamt of college since I was, like, 8 years old. I knew where I wanted to go since September 2014. I knew what I was going to do to get there and what I wanted to study and where I wanted to visit and who I wanted to become. Then the fiasco of life happened in about one weeks time during March and April and my world was turned upside down. I'm serious! I literally did a 360, no dramatizations, no nonsense.

But I'm not going to share the details quite yet. You can read my next post to fully understand where I'm coming from.

I sat down at 11 o'clock at night and logged on to Utah State University's website. I was trying hard to mentally prepare myself to 1) part with my college deposit money, 2) Accept the somewhat finality of paying a college deposit and officially declaring my acceptance, and 3) swallowing the hard truth that it wasn't Paris' deposit. That's when the emotions aforementioned all came into play. Earlier during the day, AUP (the American University of Paris where I first accepted), sent out an email that broke my heart into a million little pieces. It talked about the adventures to be had in Paris and the amazing classes and class trips that are offered and the professors who I could work side-by-side with. But none of that applied to me, and it hurt.

***But what I want to disclose right now is that I'm not pitying myself or following some dumb idea or reading in to a "sign" and completely jumping ship. I'm only temporarily heartbroken because I know that the Lord has something better for me and I just have to learn to take those few steps in to the dark before I can realize His plan. I've never done this before so of course I am going to feel the pain of disappointment but I know that pain will all soon disappear because He is leading my life. But only because I'm letting Him. I could be completely honest and do exactly what I feel like, disregarding every piece of personal revelation that I am entitled to receive as long as I am worthy of it, and just go to Paris. I could. But I would rather receive the eternal blessings in my life, not the worldly ones.

As I pulled up Paris' website and stared longingly at the pictures and read all the ridicules things that only put salt in my wound, I was so mad that I could not feel okay about going to Paris! I have too much faith to forget about the process I have been through to get to where I am today, but I am still stubborn enough to emotionally resist it. As I forced myself to exit Paris' website (after asking about final final deadlines of accepting over email), I went out to the car to get my wallet and just pay the dang school already. I climbed into my car in the pitch black and cried. I cried and prayed out loud why I could not feel excited about college. Why I hated this process despite everything I had learned about myself and why I just could not receive a lightning bolt of an answer. Then I pulled myself together and manned up. Faith, Julia. It just takes a mustard seed of faith.

I remembered the video that my Bishop showed me when I went in for my yearly interview-checkup and talked about my hectic roller-coaster ride of a life. After crying, once again, in his office for who-knows-what reason, he pulled up a video that has brought me the strength I need to go from day to day without knowing where I will end up. Please, go watch this.

Elder Holland- Wrong Roads

So after that episode of emotions nearing midnight, I finally reached a point of being content with Utah. I'm not excited or ready to really dismiss Paris, but I am at peace knowing that I'm not just a teenage girl struggling to find my way in this big world who is alone and forgotten about. I have a Heavenly Father who loves me so much that He is willing to tell me "no" and see me go through a rough patch because of the bright future that lay in store. In order to get from A to C, you must first go through B.

Today, I am a stronger Jules and one whose faith needed to get back on course.