Utah or France?

Well, I went about it all wrong. I was anxious, angry, reluctant to have faith that everything would work out, and trying desperately, desperately, desperately, to talk myself out of accepting the truth.  So what was this reality? Did my best friend just move to Spain? (oh, wait. That already happened). Did my favorite pet of ten years suddenly die? Was I being forced against my will to take my vitamins? (Actually, I love my vitamins.) No, it was none of these. I was confirming my college acceptance. To Utah. A place very, very different from France. So, ya.

Isn't this moment supposed to be super exciting where I just want to shout it from the rooftops? I never thought, for even a split second, that I would grow to loathe the college process. Ever. I have dreamt of college since I was, like, 8 years old. I knew where I wanted to go since September 2014. I knew what I was going to do to get there and what I wanted to study and where I wanted to visit and who I wanted to become. Then the fiasco of life happened in about one weeks time during March and April and my world was turned upside down. I'm serious! I literally did a 360, no dramatizations, no nonsense.

But I'm not going to share the details quite yet. You can read my next post to fully understand where I'm coming from.

I sat down at 11 o'clock at night and logged on to Utah State University's website. I was trying hard to mentally prepare myself to 1) part with my college deposit money, 2) Accept the somewhat finality of paying a college deposit and officially declaring my acceptance, and 3) swallowing the hard truth that it wasn't Paris' deposit. That's when the emotions aforementioned all came into play. Earlier during the day, AUP (the American University of Paris where I first accepted), sent out an email that broke my heart into a million little pieces. It talked about the adventures to be had in Paris and the amazing classes and class trips that are offered and the professors who I could work side-by-side with. But none of that applied to me, and it hurt.

***But what I want to disclose right now is that I'm not pitying myself or following some dumb idea or reading in to a "sign" and completely jumping ship. I'm only temporarily heartbroken because I know that the Lord has something better for me and I just have to learn to take those few steps in to the dark before I can realize His plan. I've never done this before so of course I am going to feel the pain of disappointment but I know that pain will all soon disappear because He is leading my life. But only because I'm letting Him. I could be completely honest and do exactly what I feel like, disregarding every piece of personal revelation that I am entitled to receive as long as I am worthy of it, and just go to Paris. I could. But I would rather receive the eternal blessings in my life, not the worldly ones.

As I pulled up Paris' website and stared longingly at the pictures and read all the ridicules things that only put salt in my wound, I was so mad that I could not feel okay about going to Paris! I have too much faith to forget about the process I have been through to get to where I am today, but I am still stubborn enough to emotionally resist it. As I forced myself to exit Paris' website (after asking about final final deadlines of accepting over email), I went out to the car to get my wallet and just pay the dang school already. I climbed into my car in the pitch black and cried. I cried and prayed out loud why I could not feel excited about college. Why I hated this process despite everything I had learned about myself and why I just could not receive a lightning bolt of an answer. Then I pulled myself together and manned up. Faith, Julia. It just takes a mustard seed of faith.

I remembered the video that my Bishop showed me when I went in for my yearly interview-checkup and talked about my hectic roller-coaster ride of a life. After crying, once again, in his office for who-knows-what reason, he pulled up a video that has brought me the strength I need to go from day to day without knowing where I will end up. Please, go watch this.

Elder Holland- Wrong Roads

So after that episode of emotions nearing midnight, I finally reached a point of being content with Utah. I'm not excited or ready to really dismiss Paris, but I am at peace knowing that I'm not just a teenage girl struggling to find my way in this big world who is alone and forgotten about. I have a Heavenly Father who loves me so much that He is willing to tell me "no" and see me go through a rough patch because of the bright future that lay in store. In order to get from A to C, you must first go through B.

Today, I am a stronger Jules and one whose faith needed to get back on course.

From the Seattle Temple to Nepal

Every Friday night, I have the privilege to "date" my mom. We set aside this night of the week to spend time together, to strengthen our relationship, and, honestly, to just get to know each other better. It sounds weird because I've only lived with her my entire life and she knows a ton about me, but, like my blog title suggests, I am constantly changing and maturing! Life is constantly changing and we are created to adapt and evolve and hopefully progress. So now does it make sense that I date my mom? They are always great nights from eating Mediteranean food to Hot Yoga to seeing a new movie, and this week we added attending the Seattle Temple to our list of adventures.

I have been looking forward to going to the temple for, like, the whole two weeks we had this planned! I was so ready to sit on the pews overlooking the baptismal font and just have the answers I need come flying at me and I would suddenly receive my life's answers. Ok, well, I am a bit overzealous in some things. In fact, the whole night was pretty opposite of what I had hoped would happen, but in a good way.

On our way to the temple, I fell asleep for a solid 5 minutes in which I do not remember even closing my eyes, and apparently, my head was bobbing up and down, swaying with the movements of the car. At dinner, my mom reenacted it and I was dying of laughter. When we got to the temple, I found that the baptistry was nearly empty, so I was ushered through the confirmations and baptisms in record time. I was hoping to spend like 2 hours in there and it felt like 20 minutes! But, man, was it a great 20 minutes. I didn't suddenly receive the answer as to where I need to go next year or feel a great overwhelming of the Spirit, but I knew I had the Spirit with me, giving me peace and comfort to my mind. I find myself getting into such fits of anxiety trying to logically decide what my life plan will be. I talk myself into a decision and become totally set on it, then I get all twisted up again and am back to square 1. As I thought about this great premonition that I wanted so badly, I received something even better: A big, fat, "PATIENCE JULIA!" I don't need an answer this second. Heck, I'm only 18 years old. It's only April 24th. I'm fine. "You're fine". I was calmed and I was in the service of my God. What more do I need?

As we sat in the waiting room, we decided to get the full temple-experience and got some pie in the cafeteria before heading to go out to dinner. I chose an Indian restaurant next door to the awesome teriyaki place that we had originally decided on, but, my hankering for some good naan and cumin led me through the doors of India's Gate. After placing our order of spinach naan, ginger chicken curry and basmati rice with lamb, we were told by our waiter that we ordered what the Indian's order, not the typically popular dishes. My mom and I were tickled pink. That is a MAJOR compliment to us foodies. Well, as we ate what we could and talked about my undecided life over dinner, we slowly began talking to our waiter more and more. His sense of humor was hilarious and his voice was so quiet, I could hardly hear what he was saying some of the time. I did not get his name, but according to him, he is the main server there 90% of the time they are open. He is a 26-year old Nepal native studying Business Management and Computer Software at Bellevue Community College. He visited his family of 4 older siblings and both parents in Nepal last year since his move to Bellevue in 2012. He is grateful for the diverse cultural understandings that he has obtained here in America as well as Switzerland and back home. His goal is to work for a big company like T-Mobile or Microsoft after gaining the necessary work experience to make it to the big leagues. He prefers to eat goat over lamb because that is what he grew up eating and apparently it is cheaper to raise five kids in Nepal than it is here. Makes sense. Then, after discussing cooking methods, chai tea recipes, contract workers, and school courses, he said, "I just trust in God. A lot of people believe in luck but I know it is all God." Learning some of his life story and watching him work hard for what  he wants and trusting completely in God as he lives half a world away from his family was so moving to me. He has almost 10 years on me and yet he is doing what he loves and is putting his complete trust in the Lord. While he may not be at the top of the ladder in a job or living the dream quite yet, he is doing exactly what he is supposed to, no matter how long it takes.

What I learned from his statement was that I am still young and I still have a lot of work ahead of me if I want to get to my goal. This next step in my life is NOT permanent and it is not my destination, it's a stepping stone that I can always hop off of, on to another if need be. Hearing the way our waiter talked and watching him try to find the English equivalent of what he was thinking was not only heart-warming but it goes to show that the Lord knows who to put in your path at just the right time. I second my mom's statement when she said "I want to wrap him up for Christmas and take him home." Well, we are definitely going back to the temple soon so we will definitely be back through India's Gate soon. I even told him to order our food for us next time. :)

Meetings with the Bishop and Learning to live in the NOW

When somebody says, "The Bishop wants to see me", everyone's response is always "DUH DUH DUHHHHH". Ok, that may be from my more dramatically inclined friends or playful jokesters, but still... Why does everybody first think of being reprimanded or getting into trouble when talking about the Bishop? Thankfully, I have only ever had to meet with the Bishop per his request for positive things like a check-up on our sanity and spiritual strength. It's like taking my spiritual vitamins, I'm serious! I always come out refreshed, renewed, and even stronger than before.

(Random side note comparison: Reading and praying daily is like drinking water. We need it in order to really survive and make it through the day. Talking to the Bishop, attending church, receiving Priesthood blessings, and reading over your Patriarchal Blessing is like taking a big dose of yummy-tasting vitamins. They contain unique nutrients that we need and re-energize us from the core on a consistent basis. Now the uber-power, like drinking a big, green smoothie, comes from General Conference. In two annual sessions, we are given a lifetime of stories, lessons, quotes, counsel, and warning that is directed at the world today. Specific answers are answered which pertain to our unique time and situation. I love conference!) Ok, random thought over. Continuing blog post...

Alright, speaking with the Bishop... Well anyways, I was given an appointment time with the Bishop and went in to discuss how life was going. Before I really dive in to my hardest life-changing year for you readers, I'll just skip to the important part. He asked if I had received a Priesthood blessing lately, and I told him I had not for a while. Quickly he jumped up, pulled out a chair, and placed his hands on my head. The spirit was so strong that just a few words into it, tears were rolling down my face. Remember how I hate to cry!? Honestly, I could not even put to words why I was suddenly crying, but what the Lord wanted to tell me brought my distressed and frustrated soul complete peace. I had learned within the past couple of months that what I may want is not necessarily what the Lord sees fit for me. I don't see the entire picture quite like He does. Knowing that I will receive an answer to my questions on where to go after graduating high school had previously brought me peace as I worked on strengthening my faith, but apparently I had been neglectful because I was in a knot of worry and frustration again. That Priesthood blessing washed away all my fears about the future.

In it, I was told that I have many good options to choose from (meaning what life path I should take come this September). As I take action and begin pursuing a certain path that I chose, I may find that it was the wrong decision....- I know, right!? I was thinking, "Hold up. I have to make a wrong choice in order to receive my answer on what is the right choice? Are you kidding me!" But then as I thought about it, I'm the kind of person who needs to know something is 100%. I have to feel the water before I can accept that somebody said it was cold. And when the Lord allows me to travel a small distance down the wrong road, all of my questions suddenly disappear and I am given complete surety on where to go. Also, I am the kind of person who wants somebody to tell me what to do, but only when I am not completely sure of the answer myself. (On the flip side, if I know what I want, get out of my way while I go get it, please) For example, say I have to choose between going to my best friend's birthday dinner or going to my niece's recital. I will beg somebody to tell me what to do. Both are great choices and both support people I care about, right? So then what is the right answer? In those types of situations, I will become so incredibly stressed over making a decision that I would rather pretend to have the flu and go to neither. But in this point of my life, the Lord is giving me a chance to really grow outside of my comfort zone. I mean REALLY grow. You know, this decision will only affect the rest of my life, so no pressure to choose the right one.

I have to make my own choice; it's as simple as that. I have to learn to push beyond the "thinking it out in my mind" stage and take action. That can be a really freaky step, I know. So many, including myself, believe that decisions are often permanent and that situations cannot be changed. I was talking to my older sister today and I brought up this point. She, too, struggled with this concept at my age. She said some of the hardest things she had to do was to tell one of her bosses that things weren't working for her or that she needed a change. I always convinced myself that once I commit to something, it is like written in the Rosetta Stone or plastered to my forehead forever. But its not! For crying out loud, people have come up with ways to remove permanent tattoos even. But don't mistake this realization for some things; if you have a family or certain obligation to someone, that commitment is eternal and I pray that you fulfill it to the best of your ability. But schools, and jobs, and ideas that once seemed great do not have to keep you in a place that makes you unhappy or unsuccessful. Keep your relationship with the Lord strong, and your faith in His timing and plan even stronger. He will lead you in the direction that will help you reach a potential beyond your small scope of vision. He created you with a divine purpose and the potential to fulfill that!

With this new-found peace and knowledge of my next step towards life after graduation, I realized that I had been living so far in the future, I have neglected what is right in front of me. For months, ever since I found the American University of Paris and got accepted, I was living 10 months ahead of now. I was planning my college experience, saving up for future expenses, dreaming of where I would live in Paris, imagining the foods I would eat and the people I would meet. Those are not bad things to think of and it is certainly not bad to plan for a successful future, but I became so distant with the "now". I was reading my scriptures everyday, but that was the extent. They were just words until, finally, I needed the answers to jump off the page at me. I began really not caring about high school (it's a mix of senioritis, too, but it got worse than that). I was so ready to ditch America and leave everyone I know behind that I thought it was silly even to entertain future plans. After all, I was going to be living in the most beautiful city on earth and nothing here would apply to me. Boy, was I wrong. I'm going to be the same person over there as I am here. I am going to need the same knowledge as I have here across the ocean. If anything, my testimony would need to be even stronger now that I'm going to live on my own! Your current life is just as important as some exciting event in the future. In order to get from A to C, you have to go through B. That could be a dry, boring part of your life like waiting to finally graduate high school and move on to college or it could be some painful time in your life and you just want it to pass already. C is great to look forward to, but A and B can't just disappear magically. Learn to love the little things now and then the little things later will be what you have to look forward to. Your gratitude and humility will grow and your life will go from having light in only some places to being full of light every day of the year. (Even for us Seattle-ites who have to deal with overcast rain nearly every day!)

One of the ways I hope this blog helps me is to do just that: make the present more clear to me and forget about what I don't know in the future; I'll get there eventually.

I hope what I have learned helps you in some way. The Jules today is very different from the Jules yesterday. Every day I find out something new about myself and everyday I am edified through the spirit as I continue upwards on the hill of life, striving to follow my Savior and Heavenly Father. I am thankful for the knowledge I have that the Lord really does have a plan for JuliaAnne Marie Cook and it's a plan that will bring me more happiness than I could ever imagine for myself. I am thankful for Bishop's who care about the people they are assigned to serve and their righteous example in using the God-given power of the Priesthood to bless people like me. I am thankful for the opportunities I have to learn and grow! I truly am. They are called trials because they are not meant to be easy, but trials are what proves our strength in the end. A strong tree is one that has withstood the storms. I know that only the strongest trees that can withstand the strongest storms are ones rooted in the foundation of Jesus Christ.

Understanding Me

Crazy enough, I am the only JuliaAnne Marie Cook walking the earth right now. While I know that some experiences in my life are not as unique as I am, I know without a doubt that some are. But the even crazier part to that knowledge is that even through my own unique happenings, the lessons learned can help way more people than just myself- and that's where you come in!
 I feel like I am growing up so fast- my innocent naivety is fading away and I am actually having real, adult, life experiences. As a young kid, I was always frustrated when giving talks in church and the only life examples of hardships I could come up with were petty to anyone over the age of 12. My mom grounded me for not doing the dishes, I lost my favorite stuffed animal, my friend since Kindergarten ditched me for the new girl at school. I wanted to be grown up so bad and would yearn to have a plethora of incredible stories under my belt. I was always more comfortable talking with adults than gabbing about dumb drama with other tween-age kids. I know, I know, I was weird.
But I have learned that even though some experiences are common to just about everybody, the way I share them is completely idiosyncratic to my own interpretation. So, in my unique point of view based on the unique experiences and development of my own self, let me share my life with you.

I am a naturally shy person. You know, the kind that blushes at every public invitation, transforming into a red tomato in front of everyone? Ya, that's me. I hate how terrible I am at speaking off the cuff and giving public presentations. It's like my vocabulary suddenly shrinks to five words- I'm spitting out "uh" "like" "well" and  "basically" while I watch words that should be following, fly out the window. Thankfully along with that discovery, I have learned to use my way with words on paper. And this screen, your screen, has just become my paper.

I tend to have some really random thoughts which I can hopefully morph into an understandable post for your entertainment every know and then, but I also am learning to become more in-tune with what the Lord is trying to teach me today. Heaven knows, I am like a leaf in the wind right now, not sure where the ground is or what direction I am even floating in. Back and forth, up and down, 100 miles-an-hour to a sudden halt as I hit an obstacle. Imagining that? Yup, that's how I feel right now!

Over the course of my blogging career, hopefully what I choose to share can help you find a silver lining behind a trial or bring a smile into your day. A rude awakening has come to me this year that I was never meant to do things all on my own. I believe that experiences are meant to be shared with the people around you because you never know what they will take away from it and how it can positively impact someone else. That's why we were given mouths to speak and blogs to write! Duh...

Hardest Year of My Life

This year is the reason I wanted to start this blog. I have learned and changed so much, I cannot even begin to sum up my experiences in a single post. Consequently, those experiences will be stretched over an entire blog; after all, they darn well affect my entire life.

In order to first understand where I'm coming from, first you need to know a little about me. I'm the kind of person who can feel like I am battling the hardest storm of the century, and once it is over, I look around and see other people's struggles and dismiss mine as little rainstorms that were just passing on through. I discount too many things in my life. I often don't place enough emotional value on things causing me to not really care about much. I could never make myself say "I love you" to anyone; not my sisters or brother or mom or friends. It felt weird to me because I put up a barrier to block that emotional side from ever surfacing. I hate crying. To me, if I cry, it is because I'm weak and would show others what is going on inside of me which is something I am not OK with. I can plaster on a poker face so good, I bet those Texas Hold'em cowboys couldn't even see past it. I am an extremely private person. I don't tell nobody nuthin'. AND THAT IS BAD. I hate asking for help because 1) I feel like an unnecessary burden and 2) I am prouder than a pride of lions. Honestly, I would rather be attacked by an alligator than walk up to someone and ask for help [about anything!] because that would be admitting that I don't know something myself.
(Ok, that's enough for now. I hope you enjoyed reading my flaws)

So now that you have some insight, as I begin to narrate my journey to today, I hope you can draw some strength from what I have learned and maybe it will help you learn too. I am a much better person because of the rainstorms I've had to sit through and the holes I've had to dig myself out of. But please, please, please remember: I was never alone during those rainstorms and rough winds or alone digging through the dirt, looking for the sunny surface. I was never alone. I will never be alone. And neither will you.

What's in a name?

A title is a key component to any publication. Film, Canvas Art, Novels, Poetry, Graffiti...you name it- it needs a name. And a killer one, too. But why?
Whats in a name, anyway? I could call this site "Blog" and it would still be a narrative of Julia Cook's life written by Julia Cook however Julia Cook feels free to express her personal thoughts. But a name or title is more than just a half-minded effort when it comes to finally pressing "Publish" at the end of the day. The title is what declares the whole, summarizes the main idea, tells the emotional history, and hints into the future direction of what has and is being created.

In my Film as Literature class, we have learned that the opening scene or title sequence of a movie contains the entire plot of the story, beginning to end, spoiling it for anyone with a sharp enough sense to decipher it. With a book, the first chapter or few pages is the most important part; introducing characters and setting and describing potential conflicts. Well, I've decided that with a blog, the most important piece is the title. A title introduces the author's thought process, passion, personality, understanding, and sets the stage for some incredibly personal insight. The doorway to intrigue and inference is thrown open for the reader. Hopefully you can sense at least a little bit of that in my title.

'The Journey to Today' is a way of portraying my rapid thoughts and experinces from the past into an inspiring post today while leaving room to speak properly of my future "todays". Every moment before us has undoubtedly shaped who we are in this very instant. Wouldn't you agree? The fact that I chose to sit on my couch four hours ago instead of run has shaped me into a lazier, pudgier me here at 10:20pm. The struggles of my single mom has shaped her into an inspiring and resilient woman which has even helped me evolve into an independent young woman just like her.
My goal in writing this blog is to create an outlet for my experiences, testimony, and thoughts to be shared with whomever wishes to read them. I always find myself wanting to write something down in my journal but then nobody can learn from that. Then I find myself wanting to share my testimony in church and I get too nervous for that. Then I contemplate sharing my thoughts on social media, but as you can tell so far, I write way too dang much....So this is the solution, I suppose.